Next stop: Intense Loneliness

Self made man, they call me. But I do not like the term. I had to make a lot of decisions all by myself for myself, because I knew I had the strength of mind to do so. While others have their own qualities, I have this. I can make those hard choices no one else wants to make. I can stick to them, not give in to temptation or expose it.

But with great decisions, comes great burden. And the more burden I carry, the more lonely I become. Constantly second guessing others’ intentions, trying to find some good in the weak, being overbearingly protective and playing God. If not me, then who?

Who has this strength of character?
Who has such a large perspective?
Who can feel as much and yet remain distant?
Who can give so much in spite of losing everything?
Who has such a big heart?
Who has such a trained mind?

If I let go, will someone rise? How can I surrender to the smallness of man and pursue the everyday and the mundane and forget what greatness I was made for?

And if the mundane is what we are here for, marching like ants to fulfil destinies we cannot see, then who am I to foil the grand plan? Aah, the grand plan. A double edged sword. Even if I believe in it’s absence, I end up believing in it. There is no escaping this master plan.

What gives me the right to be different? Why are my impulses to be homogenous with the world weaker than others’? Am I not working as hard? Am I the bad guy?

You might ask, ‘If everyone becomes different, straying away from the norm, what will we base society on?’ Why do I need this society? Who says man is a social animal? Yes, I feel good with people, but I also feel bad. And for most, the bad outweighs the good. It is not an essential. Ask me, I have been alone. I have been surrounded by social animals, picking off each other, scavenging on others’ raw wounds and mating in heat. But still very alone. The sound track that plays in my head, you have never heard. All the stuff that you feel important, seem puny in comparison to what I am looking at.

A state of being where power, hunger and sex do not dominate man
A level in which the physical is insignificant
A place where time whooshes by in deep concentric circles around me
A space where I am so alone that even my shadow does not touch me

‘Why would one choose to stay there?’ you might ask.
The same reason you choose to have clean teeth or nails, do your hair, greet each other and smile. You could just as well grunt, hit others on their head and steal their food.
The answer is evolution.

You will get there some day. But for those of us who are already there, we cannot backtrack now. So the next time you see someone like me, remember that evolution may not take 10000 years this time around.


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